After 21 years and exactly 8 months I have come to the conclusion that I hate myself and probably have for the last 5 years. Why do I have to be so fucking cheerful? I don't even know anymore when I am being myself and when I am just acting like an idiot so I don't start screaming or something.
Hahah, I don't even care anymore. I don't have the energy to change my entire life.
And I still think not killing yourself because your mom would cry is still a very good reason not to kill yourself and I don't feel stupid about it. Because if you don't live for other people what do you live for? Although sometimes I think I would be better off if I lived in a nice isolated bubble, only slightly interacting with the rest of the world. I think that might be called "autistic" or "crazy". Yeah. Whoops, typed this up in LJ, better go paste it in the blog.
I just looked at my blog and realized that it is my angst deposit, I at least try and appear all happy in my lj, even on crap posts; no such problem in this place. Also, a lot of quiz spam. I need a new layout.
What Yaoi Stereotype Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
Awww, my little Jocelin, don't pout (and you're blushing, stop trying to hide!) No one knows you like I do though, someday you'll shock the hell out of everyone.
Likeliness of being seme: 10%
Likeliness of being uke: 90%
Likeliness of being uke: 0%
Likeliness of being seme: 100%
Result 3 was dom again and when I put in his answers for that first Youji experience it was switching stoic again.
Mwahahah! After playing around with Arien in my head and changed ONE answer and we get this for the day after.
Until I get it all sorted. I have a couple answers that I have to think about, this is a hard quiz! Here is Arien's first result.
What Yaoi Stereotype Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
Likeliness of being uke: 5%
Likeliness of being seme: 95%
Neopets has been down for over a day now due to extreme database problems. Beginning to get annoying. I'm exhausted, trying to make several important decisions and Arien is thinking so hard that my head hurts. *yawn*
I just figured out why I like Makubex so much as his character song is only one of three mp3s I have on my still very much broken computer. His angst, I was drawn to his angst drawn eyes first. All the people I take under my wing, all my favorite characters are all full of angst and personal demons. It made me think that maybe that is my character as well, maybe I have lied to myself my whole life about being a upbeat person. Autoprotect just turned off. Fuck. Zechs is so busted. I'm not getting another though, school is killing me and if I don't get out of here I am really scared that not wanting my parents to cry will be enough to keep me from doing something more crazy than I have been doing this last week or so. Hopefully my parents will let me just chalk up another horrible disappointment from their daughter since HS.
Kall-Su tried to kill himself in this Bastard! fic, I should stop reading it but I already acertained that my window is only just high enough to be very very painful and that would be sucktastic. It is very warm out. Maybe now that I know I can take the screen off I will put a bird feeder with suction feet on my window.
I started having a panic attack or something on the way here then we were almost to State mom asked me about when I'm graduating and I just started tearing up saying how I wish I never had to go back. I tried to stop and I don't think she noticed I was crying. Then in my dorm I started having another one of those panic attack thingies and would start broken sobbing with my heavy breathing, calm myself down, and start over again. I finally went to shower and now here I am crying again and typing trying to let off whatever excess junk is overflowing.
I feel so worthless and such a wuss. I know I am not doing what I should up here, but I even like learning, stuff is fun. My classes make me want to scream, I was happy last year, I know I was. Despite evil roommates. Thinking about not being here has become routine, if I could think of a way to not hurt my family and friends. I've always lived for other people and for some reason that
I don't want to post this but I guess I will. I don't think anyone reads my blog anyway.
I have since they got rid of the Dell kid and came out with the interns. I think if the Dell kid was still on I would feel more bribed by marketing to get another Dell. But I don't. Zechs, inhis suffering, sometimes likes to be refered to as MPC, which I can't say without insane giggling, Zechs is so silly sometimes. It stands for "Millardo Peacecraft", not Mister PC as some might think. The original fault (as usual) belongs to Christy for suggesting that maybe this new ill Zechs would like his name changed to "Millardo". After this stewing in my brain for days and many late nights with Zechs he made this new MPC name change. But the name change only works on an hour by hour basis.
My issue with computers is that I am not a "baby" user but neither am I a hardcore user with the ability to tweak, build, and play around with a new system. I've been looking at computers built for gamers, these I think are closer to my needs than they systems built by big names like Dell, Gateway, and your retail store brands which are really built with your email, WORD, casual internet junkie in mind. What I really want is a lighting fast processor, tons of RAM, a really awesome video card (high end Radeons are looking pretty nifty), good sound card and accessories (after I bought Zechs I found out my sound card = not so good but at the time I didn't think to research things like sound cards), and a LAN card and really I am set. Well, throw in a floppy drive and a modem just in case I am ever away from my T3 LAN, and I guess it would be good to have XP put in. Then I use my old monitor (dreaming of huge 19" possible LCD goodness), keyboard, CD/DVD drive, and CD-RW drive, buy Office at student discount from school, and I am set for my needs. Yay. Building at custom places, it isn't that extravegant a price, cutting out all that software and junk that comes with other "custom" systems - like, why the FUCK do I need WORD Prefect, Dell? No one needs WP.
Huh, that looks weird all together but whatever. I am in the Shaw lab printing notes and answers to review sheets and other fun things I can't do on Zechs. I just stopped on pitas because I wanted to finally write down this dream I had that actually mad me sleep through my alarm.
It takes place in my house, on the patio in the backyard. There are lots of people there like my parents are having a party but for most of the dream every but my parents and family friends Larry and Susan either aren't there or are just cloudy non important things. I think things have been going on prior to my first vivid memory but we'll just have to say those events weren't important.
I remember deciding I wanted a beer, even if I don't particularly like beer, but it was some special new kind and I wanted to try it and nothing stopping me - 21, at home, not driving. Now it gets weird, Larry was manning some sort of beverage tent and I asked him for a beer and he said no, and was kinda snotty about it to, told me those beers weren't for me and some other stuff. I'm really bewildered and a little hurt. I think at that point I wander off to either a)find my own damn beer from the cooler or b)whine to my parents. ^^;
By the pool fence closest to the lawn I see a bright ruby colored lizard, something big and exotic and not looking like it is from Michigan (likes the warm weather yo) and I am like wow! look at you, I bring everyone's attention to it, and really you can't imagine how bright this lizard was, the color was amazing. Next I notice a equally pretty snake, good sized but not freakish big, could still be a nice tank pet. The snake might have been ruby too, or greenish...or purple, I don't remember the color that well. The snake starts stalking the lizard, I don't want the lizard to get eaten (at this point there might have been a Trigun flashback but I could be adding that in ^^;), I reach towards the lizard, which at the same time darts away from the snake and starts climbing on my ankles. The snake is so fast, he strikes the air just before the lizard darted and again he comes after me and lizard. Even though he may have just been after the lizard I felt like he was after me too. It was so scary, I think at this point I am really restless in my sleep, everything was tossed about when I woke up.
I manage to run into the screened in porch, the 'rents, and S and L are all in there around the table. I'm really scared but kinda laughing as I tell them what happened, they had seen though and thought I could handle it. Then out of no place (I think) the lizard and snake are back and the lizard is at my ankles again and the snake is striking and I am freaking out and I can get away. The lizard is trying to use me to escape the snake and again I feel like that became malicious, like he wanted to use me really badly to save himself. It is almost like the lizard is holding me down. My mom is swatting at the lizard but it is like she is making it worse, keeping me from running, my Dad is yelling suggestions to me and my mom but still sitting in his chair. S and L are like some audience just sitting there and smirking at me, occasionally looking worried. At that point the kicking of my own legs woke me up, my alarm going off and me doing a bit o' sweating. And I swear to God, the biggest thing I wanted to do was run down to my parents room to see them or curl up in their bed/lounger. I wanted to call my mom just to see if I am retarded or something. But I didn't, I got up, showered, checked my internet stuff and then started studying for my essay test on Buffalo Creek Disaster by Gerald Stern in business law.
freaky freaky. I bet the dream has some deep meaning.
I think I did well on the essay test, I mean I wrote like, 6 pages, and couldn't feel my hand afterwards. It made me feel really good. Essay tests are the ulitimate in test taking in my opinion because the teacher is asking you for what you know, if you know it, write it down, if you don't you can't write. Simple as that. I don't know why multiple choice doesn't work that way for me. Hah, watch me get a D. Econ and Poly Sci exams tomorrow plus a dialogue check (I WILL go to Japanese tomorrow!). At least if I stay busy I think less about distrubing things.
DEATH! Wah! I watched Kenneth Branagh's Mary Shelly's Frankenstein and it was AWESOME! One of my favorite characters died but she wasn't my favorite character until the very end when I figured she would die anyway, but she was COOL! at the end. My other favorite was just a bit part played by Aiden Quinn, who was a love interest type person in Practical Magic, and the bad guy type person is Goran Visnjic, who plays Dr. Luka Kovac on ER, who according to a phone call from The Congo - where Dr. Kovac was volunteering at a clinic type deal - is DEAD! WAH! Carter (who also worked at the clinic for a bit in order to stave off his own breakout) is going back to try and find Luka's body to bring home, it will have plenty of flashbacks and I will CRY; although probably not as much as I cried when Dr. Green died. In other news Aiden Quinn was hotter as a bit character than he was as a love interest - what is up with that?
I have an exam in every class and two in Japanese this week. This week will not be fun.
All my friends have hideous depression, but hey, so do I so you can imagine how effective conversations are. One of my friends went to the free consuling type deal through MSU and it actually is looking pretty good to me, which is kinda scary because as much as I love to complain I rarely complain about the..."important" things I guess. Usually it takes me an entire year at MSU to feel this bad about myself and everything I do, but everything seems so pointless this semester. I hate my major, almost all my classes. I took an international relations class because that looked interesting only the class isn't - at all.
I miss writing, I've been...doodling in notepad and everything is so whinetastic and suck. I miss my computer working. I miss losing weight (okay, that one is my fault). What really scares me is that the people in my head have stopped talking to me, like, if you don't use your voices you lose them. Or something. If I think really hard I can hear them but it takes major effort.
Jet and Faye would so make an awesome couple.
I've been using the word 'awesome' too much, I apologise.
Righto, finally got archived again. Only took me all bloody day, restart time = one hour, number of restarts today = 5. Wow, that looks ever worse on paper.
Megan asked me to go with her to the Japanese film series movie tonight entitled FUDOH: the new generation, it only SOUNDS like a video game, in reality it is much more stupid than that. Megan declared it the stupidest movie she had ever seen, I maintain that while it was BAD it was so BAD it was FUNNY. You understand by my caps what I am trying to convey. Like when my Dad poked through my Japan box and flipped throw not just any of my packed away yaoi oh no, but LOVE RUSH, my SMUT anthology - not just smut but SMUT. So yes Dad, it is like "Japanese porn". Heh ^^.
Spent Tuesday throwing up all morning; breaking my "haven't puked since high school" record. I had forgoten how not pleasant it is to vomit. The short story is that I didn't go to Japanese class all week do to various illness including but not limited too - vomit, colds, and inability to breath well. I have become a horrible student and most of my classes make me what to vomit (hmmm...). Economics, yay.
